Dear Realtor

Dear Realtor,

Hi!  I haven't heard from you all afternoon.  I know it's not really your fault and the sellers are just taking forever, but I'm starting to get concerned.  I've been waiting by the phone like a love sick teenager...seriously, if I check the phone one more time the unlock button is gonna stop working.  (I don't know the life span of an unlock button, but I'm dangerously close to finding out.)  Unfortunately, it doesn't appear that my phone is broken (unfortunate because it would mean that you had tried to call, couldn't get in touch and I could just call you to get the good news that we are going to be new home owners.)

Honestly, I'm just so surprised you haven't called to ask me out, I mean, iron out the details of this real estate transaction.  (Did you see what happened there? I am literally turning into a love sick teen.)

So anyway, I wanted to pass along all my contact info in case you accidentally lost my regular number.  That's totally possible right?

Now, you usually use my cell and normally that is the best number but I also have a home phone and an office line.  If you would like to send notification over fax, No Problemo! It only takes 2 seconds to plug in the fax machine.  I also have fax at work, so does Hubs.  We prefer phone calls or emails but fax would work too.  

Speaking of email.  I have several, jilliancheer at msn, jillian ranee at gmail, and jillian at jillianranee.com  Oh, and I have a work email too.  Hubs' emails are easy; dashaun at dashaun.com, gmail.com, and openjack.com.  I'm pretty sure he has more if you need them....feel free to drop us a quick note.

In case the regular forms of communication are not available, we can both be found on Facebook, Twitter, Foursquare, and Flickr...you know, just in case you want to send us a quick message letting us know the status of our pending offer.

Oh, and Athlinks.com but surely we can connect before we have to resort to a race result tracking website.  Oh, and let's not forget our websites:  jillianranee.com, dashaun.net, and .com

Well, that about covers it.  If you wanted to deliver the happy news in person you know where we live.  Feel free to come by...

Love,
Your anxious clients

An Open Letter to Racing

Dear Racing,

I want to clear the air about my new found appreciation for you.  It's not that I love you; cause seriously, I could do without your drama. You're all hot one minute; making me feel good and then the next you make me wish I was dead.  Suuuuure the last time we hung out you were all sweet and told me I could do it.  (And I did...almost.) But normally you are a total butt kicker.

Anyway, since you were so nice last weekend my defenses were down and I agreed  (against my better judgement) to run with you again in a month or so (with more friends going a longer distance.)  Please don't make me look like a fool---AGAIN.  Cause, I had pretty much given up on you before last weeks race and then you go and be all sweet.  (You know, like a loser boyfriend that I know I SHOULD break up with but CAN'T because he sweet talks me out of it in the final moments.)

So, Racing, the point is this:  We can hang out only as a social event (meaning if I have friends running, I will run)---that is it.  And as long as my people are wanting to hang out with you---I will continue to come around but just remember I'm showing up for them...NOT for you.

Regretfully  yours,

Someone that wants to break up with you but can't....yet.

Dear Puppies

Dear Maggie,

 I’m totally diggin this new calmer you. I’ve missed cuddling with you over the last couple years.  Your barking is down.  Your sweetness is up.  I hope you are feeling ok.    

It’s also nice to see you and Mr. Tyson getting along…even if he does have a tendency to poop in the house; near your puppy bowl.  If it’s any consolation he probably poops closer to our dinner plates than your bowl…I’m just sayin. 

I suppose if dog years are calculated 7-1 to human years we are about the same age right now!  You have a couple years on me but we are as close in age as it’s ever going to get…you are still the cutest, smartest, bestest dog in the whole world.   Even if you are kind of stubborn.

Love,  Mom

Dear Heat

Dear Heat,

                 I'm gonna need you to cool your jets.  Seriously, I’m being forced out into your uncomfortable temps dozens of times each day and it’s getting kind of old.  I get it--it’s summer and you haven’t had a chance to really rear your head the last couple years---August has been full of 80 degree temps and cool breezes but seriously, you gotta chill…and quick.  I’m about to die of heat exhaustion and tomorrow I have someone riding with me so it would be nice if he wasn’t forced to ride in my car with me smelling like a landscaper (not that I don’t like landscapers; I do, they just smell like they’ve been working in the yard all day and that isn’t exactly an scent you want to bottle…I’m just saying.)

Dying for a break,

Jillian

Opinions Are Like A-holes

Dear Jillian,

Remember, opinions are like a-holes---everyone has one.  And just because someone doesn't agree with you, your life or you living your life doesn't make them right. 

Do whatever makes you happy.

Love,

Yourself

Tech Support for Installing a Husband

An old friend (I didn't even know she read my blog) read my earlier post and sent me this letter.  I have no idea who actually wrote it or where it came from (it had been forwarded a bunch prior to landing in my inbox) but it made me laugh.  So, I’m sharing it with you:  

 Dear Tech Support,

                I recently upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.  In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as UFC 5.0, Racing 3.0 and Triathlon 4.1.   Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

———————

Dear Desperate,

                First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter the command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, download Tears 6.2 and be sure to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If those applications work as designed Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.  However, please remember that overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Party 6.1. Please note that Party 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.  Whatever you do DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (It runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) 

                In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

                In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!

Dear Fusion Fitness

Dear Fusion Fitness,

           I owe you an apology.   On Friday while I was packing for my weekend getaway I thought I would try on a pair of shorts that could previously only be button under extreme strain to the stitching (you know, just to check my progess) and I was pleasantly suprised when they zipped right up without any struggle!  At that moment I was so proud and appreciative of your efforts to get my butt back in shape….

          But then.....the weekend happened.   The wine, the pan fried chicken, the bread pudding, the bacon cheese burger, the strawberry cheesecake, and the Senor Tequilas complete with a margarita that was so salty it made me wish I had a bone saw to cut off my wedding ring this morning. 

          When I woke up I was moving a little slow (a product of a long weekend I suppose) and contemplated skipping class this morning but I didn’t and you practically killed me.  Last week, I was only moderately embarrassed at my ability to keep up (the progress I was making was worth the embarrassment) but this morning was a whole other story;  I would have done anything for a magic trap door to open and inconspicuously lower me down into the floor so your other (more disciplined) clients wouldn’t have to listen to all the grunting and sighing as I tried my best to hold a simple plank…   

           Just so you know:  I’ve learned my lesson.  I will never take 4 days off AND eat crappily again…I promise.  Please forgive me?  How long are you going to punish me?  I know what I did was awful and you can’t just forgive and forget but I promise to show you that I didn’t mean it and I promise not to behave so badly again.  Please.  I would like to get things back to normal....maaaaaybe by the end of the week if at all possible?   

Anxious to fix our relationship,

Jillian

Who Knows A Good Therapist?

Dear Girl Who Tried to Drown Me,

I have 6 purple/green/yellow bruises all over my legs.  I’m pretty sure they were caused by the thrashing and struggling we did at the KC Tri.  Sorry to bring this to your attention so late, I originally thought the first two bruises were from falling off my bike at the Spin Ride but now that there’s so many I can only assume they were from all the times you kicked me on Sunday….

Anyway, I just wanted you to know, I might need therapy; please let me know where to send the bill....

Love,

Jillian